I feel... ... ... in my disabilitating depression, that everyone needs something to live for. Otherwise, they just exist without meaning. Right now, I am existing without meaning...

I fell in love... and yes, I know that many have before and many will again and I should "get the f' over it"... but thing is... when you are surrounded by people in this world who are all serious... it's that little crazy person who can make you smile that you'd rather talk to, and in reality, be with... someone whom will not only be your friend... but who can make you smile like the only thing that will ever matter is them and you...

To you, they mean everything... you worship them, as if they could never do anything wrong, and loving them... without question...

When you go to sleep at night, just before you fall asleep, as you lie there with your eyes closed, you see them and smile, knowing one day you'll be a better person and get there... one day, you'll be all you can be for them... because that to lose them is your worst fear...

When you were in a relationship with them, you know you did some things wrong... not intentionally... but they were there... you were too honest, and accidentally hurt their feeling... you were too kind, and it sickened them... you loved them too much, and it became a sappy love story...

31-41/275... that's the amount of days you managed to talk during your relationship (excludes Feb and March due to me not having internet at home during that time), and yet... you still would most of the time smile and laugh, just waiting to cherish that next fragile second you could talk to them... because that is when nothing could harm you, nothing could hurt you... you feel safe... with them... the first time in your life you have nothing to fear...

And slowly... as each day draws to a close, you walk outside... and look up at the stars... almost making a little prayer inside you, not to some god... but to your loved one... you prey they will keep themself safe, and be happy until you can be beside them... as friends, lovers, and each others everything... after years upon years of painful, friendless torment... you've found someone to help you...

You have a million people tell you, "It's probably some 40 year old guy", or that you'll never get to kiss their lips... but you promise yourself... if you possibly can... ... ... then you will... no matter what it takes... you're stuck theirs forever inside you... and then, they drop something... to tell you its over... and that it's all your fault... thing is, you love them so much... your mind lines everything up so that's the truth and instantly, you are the bad guy... every time you did anything slightly persuasive... you manipulated them... even if just asking for them to try to talk to you more...

You've become as bad as a rapist, a specific person whom they know causes so much rage in you that you go into uncontrollable (I mean this literally) twitches of anger, your neck in pain as it happens... only ever happening a couple of times when you heard what they did to the one you love, and how you couldn't help... you hate them so much, you want them dead for how bad they were to the one you love... and now... you want to slit your own throat... so you can never hurt anyone again... you don't like hurting those you truly care for... those same people who showed you want it felt like to truly be empathetic and/or sympathetic...

They say that you shouldn't call, or really try to contact them, even though 2 weeks ago, when you last spoke to them you asked if you two were soulmates and they said yes... and because you believe them, no matter what they say... you completely believed it... not to say you didn't believe it before... but them saying yes meant... to you it was really true...

You plead with them... feeling a little like you're some whore being used and abused... but never truly holding blame against them... you can't cause... cause well... you're that bad now in your mind... and they have always been that perfect... you deserve it...

And when you hear why they broke up with you... a massive lie... that it seems no one could forgive... all you want to do yourself is say you are sorry that you were too dumb to realise... and to be theirs again... even as a whore... it felt better then being the bad guy whom you want dead... you are screaming inside, "Make me yours again... but this time... let our love be true and honest... never let me lose you again..."

They feel they are different... but you see everything you fell in love with, exactly where it was... they are different, yes, but the core of what you love is still there... so they still feel like home...

They say, they can't forgive themself... but... you can't see why... they made you happy... they made you smile... they say because there would be mistrust... but still... you believe every lie... or truth... as the same... exactly what they say... it's real to you... *laughs* if they told you the sun was blue... in your mind it'd become blue... you'd make an excuse...

You tried to not lie... because you felt what would be the point... to lie to that which you see as perfect... that which you love... that which you cried for, as you feared them dying... when no one else would make a peep... you were half-way around the world... and for hours... you were crying... no-one could make you feel better... all that you were worried about was that they were ok... at this point, you didn't even love them... you just knew... you didn't want to be in a world without them...

Turns out... when they've revealed their lie... you just wanna be theirs even more... because maybe for once... they'll feel they can trust you finally... you don't care bout anything but them... and they just say they can't trust themself, how can they trust you... and the answer is; you'd die before wanting to wrong them... you honestly would... you try to avoid it... but you know you will at one point or another, you'll do something wrong (if you already haven't)... and you'll need their forgiveness... not want it... you'll need it... because you feel so bad about it...

You love them, no matter distance, no matter the lies so far (but wanting the truth), no matter the sometimes feeling used and abused every so often, no matter the insults from others, no matter the gender, or any of their quirks... they are whom you want... mentally, and physically...

All I truly want;
- The one I love
- The one I love to be happy
- The one I love to be in my arms, no matter what it takes
- To be what makes them the happiest and who they love
- To make my dream game with them
- A little more contact (maybe at least 2 times a week, and just Sat and Sun don't count... something in the middle... like Wednesday, to tide me over)
- Honesty
- A kiss from them would be nice ^_^ (hugs are good too)
- *probably others, but not too worried right now, will update if needed*

I titled this "Nobody's Listening" because nobody will probably pay any attention to this... even if they do, they'll get bored quickly...

Everyone... remember to try to be happy...